Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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