Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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