i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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