Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
