no, he came in my armpit
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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