I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
