Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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