my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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