My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
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She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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