i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
