he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
