phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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