At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
