At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
