I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
