Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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