oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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