You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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