I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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