i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
soo... how was my night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
