just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
