Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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