Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
