just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
