she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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