The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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