everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
