I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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