you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Randomize
