hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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