you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
