just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We're too hungover to prance.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
