my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
