I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
