I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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