So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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