TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
