That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
