you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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