I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
