What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think my vagina is haunted
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
why is half of my head shaved?
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