Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
