you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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