Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
