you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
