saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
