Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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