matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
