so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
