I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
