Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
