watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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