I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
