I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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