I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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