sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
