Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
