Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
