i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
